did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
