I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
