just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
