That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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