My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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