my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
