My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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