Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
