I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
