U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
