So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
