Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Less talking, more tequila
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
