i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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