Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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