my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
