I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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