I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
