I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
