dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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