My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
