I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
