My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We just shotgunned beers for America
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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