Your mouth is God's brothel.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
