it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
