Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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