you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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