She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
