Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He did a backflip because drugs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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