Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
