I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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