I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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