Banned from zoo.
Again?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
