I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
