i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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