just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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