Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
