If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
