He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
