you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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