Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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