if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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