he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i out mim tonsoeep
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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