I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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