mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
