I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
