david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
