WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
