dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
