Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
