benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
