meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
