i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
