Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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