my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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