Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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